the vulnerability of lament

i was terrible about blogging my way through practicum last quarter, even though i wanted to share my journey through lament.

the truth of the matter is that i hit a point where sitting in the process of lament was way too hard. actually, i think it was more the case that the process of lament was doing its job, and the very act of lamenting led me to joy. but this is my effort to debrief the experience.

i went into the experience knowing full well that lament is not something that we do well or often. it occurred to me pretty early on that i think part of the reason why lament is so difficult is because it requires us to be vulnerable. it requires us to be honest with ourselves, and it requires us to be honest with the One we believe has somehow wronged us. when the poet of Lamentations cries out to God, he is incredibly detailed about the hurts and the wrongs his people have experienced, as well as the sin they have committed. the poet is also incredibly direct with God about how God has done them wrong, shares these intimate hurts with God, all in the midst of God's silence. and the poet doesn't get an immediate response.

so, what choice did i have but to ask God to help me to be vulnerable as i discovered lament. i asked God to take me to those deepest places of myself that needed to be brought to the surface, to be grieved, and to eventually be let go of. there was plenty of stuff to keep me occupied, most of which had to do with church, but there was one thing that came up that i wasn't anticipating having to deal with at this point in time.

it became apparent that it was time to lament my singleness - or my lack of a significant other. this still feels strange to say.

for at least a year or so, i have had this feeling (in my gut, my heart, my soul, wherever you want to place it) that perhaps the life i had always simply expected is not the life i am meant to live.

there was a time during my angsty teenage years when i would have said i had no desire to get married or have kids. but that was just a phase. deep down, i always assumed i would get married young and have a kid or two by the time i reached the aged of 27.

alas, here i am sans children and a husband. not only that, but when i am truly honest with myself about what i see in my future, i don't see those things. i am not even sure i still hope for those things.

then there's the fact that our culture emphasizes marriage and family in a way that is incredibly ostracizing to older single people. the older you get and the longer you remain unmarried, the weirder you are and the less value you have. the church is no exception to this. at the same time, when i attempt to share these sorts of thoughts with friends, they tend to be incredibly dismissive. when i mention that i'm not sure if i will ever get married, people are really quick to respond with something like "you just haven't met the right guy," or "it's not the right time." these things may or may not be true, but statements like these give me permission to tighten my grip ever so slightly, instead of holding these things loosely and giving them to God, and they don't honor where i feel God has me now.

the hard and fast truth is that at this point in time, i can't imagine myself getting married.

i realized i had to lament this fact for a few reasons. first, i am an extroverted person. i don't enjoy being alone. i would never actively choose to live alone. and yet, if i don't get married, odds are most of my friends around me will, and i will run out of roommates. second, i love children, and i would love to be a mom. i love watching them grow and learn, and i love what they have to teach me. there are certainly ways to have children without being married, but ideally, i would have a partner for parenting. third, and i hate that this is a concern of mine, but the adventures that i want to have around the world are made easier with a partner, particularly one who is a man. though it is not impossible to do the kind of work i want to do on my own, i would feel safer (and probably more sane) with someone by my side.

i am lamenting singleness because when you take marriage out of the equation, each of these concerns becomes that much more scary. figuring out the details of how my life will work in each of these areas without being married gets more difficult.

so here i am, being honest with myself about where i am at. this is as far as i have gotten in the process. i anticipate many more conversations with God about what this actually means, many more moments of watching sappy movies when i think to myself that i am being too hasty, and perhaps some tears shed. but this is the direction i feel God moving me for now...to let the idea of marriage and a family go. that's not to say God wont change my mind later in life, but all i can do is be faithful in the present.

on the bright side, i have no shortage of family in my life. my family of origin and my family of choice are both a means of grace for me. they continue to remind me that family...and love...is bigger than we give it credit for.