questions

i've been re-living the past in the form of reading old blog entries. I've come a long way. that, and a couple recent conversations, as well as inner thoughts and feelings, have led me to the point of wrestling with a few questions. -am i actually being the person i want to be? -there are parts of this whole "community" thing that i'm not quite digging right now. are these legitimate concerns, and what can i do to make it better/live like i want to live and not flowing with the current? -have i made the positive changes that i have claimed i've wanted to make? etc. these are just a couple of things i'm thinking about. i'll elaborate when i have clearer ideas and answers.

knowing and loving

it is mind-boggling to me how much the acts of knowing someone and loving someone has changed in recent decades.

in this age of internet, facebook, blogging, twitter, etc. we have reached a point where i can converse with someone, share photos, share stories, share secrets, and yet never see them face to face.

even still, there are people half way around the world whom i have looked straight in the eye, and yet never exchanged a word.

what does it mean to know someone? is it accumulating facts and figures about someone, being able to note how they drink their coffee? is it simply seeing someone, for who they are, where they are? or is it some combination of both?

to take it a step further, which of these types of knowledge can lead to love? these people i've seen and never known may hold just as much of my heart as the people that i know but don't see.

with these different types of knowledge and love, my heart and my mind have started to form this web across the world, linking me with people and places half a world away...

more to come.

leaky ceiling

its saturday, and i'm at work. we have a leak in our roof. well, more like 3. as we placed a bucket underneath to catch the water and looked up to the sky, we could see the damage to the area surrounding the leak. it occurred to me that this isn't just a little bit of water coming in from a storm outside. this has the potential to do a lot of damage to the structure of the building. and i was struck at the profound significance this thought has in the rest of my life right now. i'm at the point in a particular situation where the roof is caving in around me, and i have to ask myself, when did the leak start? at what point did i make the decision to ignore it? have i known all along that this was going to happen? the thing of it is, i think i can pinpoint when the leak started. and i think the leak was fear. i chose to ignore it for a long time. the time has come to actually deal with the matter at hand. how much am i at fault? how much do i need to let go of? can we even start over, or is this damage irreparable? sure enough, the only answer is God. his grace, mercy, love, forgiveness and hope.

living in tension

the concept of "living in the tension" is not new to me. in a sense its something we all have to do on a daily basis. there's a fundamental element of the world being at odds with itself and everything else at all times. there are moments of harmony that burst through the tension. i've heard that described as heaven coming to earth. this makes me think of two things: first, what is "living in the tension"? here's how its manifesting itself in my life this week. i have had this profound joy from being in community, experiencing God's faithfulness and knowing i'm right where i'm supposed to be. but at the same time things are happening around me so that i feel immense sorrow, grief, and a huge sense of loss; i have a strong desire to go home and be with family and people from my past, some in support of them, some as support for me. clearly there are some very conflicting things going on in my life/heart/mind right now. "living in the tension" is finding out how to live into that, being okay in the tension and not letting it overcome you. realizing that it is actually a good thing. because, while some of these things are conflicting in nature they are, at their root, healthy. second, what do i mean, heaven coming to earth? when we recognize the tension around us we open doors at every turn to share what God's love really looks like. and in those moments when we walk through those doors, heaven goes from being the theoretical place we go to when we die to shattering through our present situation. these are the moments people say they looked up into the eyes of someone near and say they saw jesus. heaven is possible here on earth. and i think it is in this tension that it is most pronounced, easiest to achieve, and most life-changing. if we can learn how to live in the tension.

community

i'm fired up. here's why. i have a distinct vision for the kind of community (body of christ) that i want to be a part of, and i have felt for some time now that i might actually be in an environment where i have the opportunity to see that come to fruition. in fact, the conversations that i've been having with people in the last month or two have led me to believe that we are on the precipice of big change. however, i had a very enlightening conversation last night with a good friend of mine who is not a part of this community but is someone whose opinion i highly respect. she has been trying to break into this community, and invite her fiance who is adamantly against jesus to see what god's love really looks like. and break is the key word here. she has been making an effort, and been getting resistance from key people that i would have expected to be incredibly welcoming if for no other reason than this person is my friend. we have created this shell around us that makes it impossible for others to break into. and the thing is, they shouldn't have to. the community here that is already established should be thinking of ways to invite and welcome people into that, rather than close people off. because this friend of mine who is not a christian is having all of his preconceived notions about "the church" proven with our behavior. and my good friend who is making an effort with my friends in this community is not having that reciprocated. as a body of christ, THIS IS NOT OKAY. there are three crucial elements to the community that i personally want to cultivate. these are three characteristics that i think help develop community, as well as sustain it, and my explanations with these are how i see these terms, and are not necessarily the only things that could be included on this list. intentional: community does not develop and live on its own. it is up to the people in it to create, develop and sustain it. this means that it is a personal choice for each person involved. community will not work if there are people in it who are unwilling to invest. authentic: this is relatively broad, and can mean lots of different things, but here's what i'm thinking...community should be a place where people can be exactly who they are, no apologies, no condemnation, no judgment. only love and support. another friend of mine put it this way: it is coming alongside people in their journey. meeting them where they are and loving them in that. (this also relates the the intentional aspect of it, because authenticity cannot happen without intentionality, and people making the choice to love others, and trusting others with who they really are) challenging: this logically follows from being intentional and authentic. there comes a point after we meet someone where they are at and show them we love them where we then encourage them to grow. this is not forcing people to adhere to our own convictions, but encouraging growth in their own journey with god and themselves, whatever that looks like for them. but i feel that as brothers and sisters in christ, we have a responsibility to each other to love one another enough to not see them stagnate. i hope we can become a welcoming, inviting, intentional, authentic, and challenging community.

so life moves slowly when you're waiting for it to boil

here are some of my thoughts on a pertinent subject for this period in our lives. this has been an ongoing conversation around me for some time now, and i think it might be time to share how i really feel. not that i haven't been honest up til this point, but there is more that i've held back in an effort to not hurt people's feelings. but i think this is truth. and it needs to be said. we are at the age where relationships are a huge focal point of our lives. that's great. people are worth our investment. here's where i get concerned. there has been a lot of impatience about god bringing that man or woman of people's dreams, to marry and spend the rest of our lives with, happily ever after. let me first just say that i am not discounting this desire. it is one that i share. i definitely desire to meet a man who shares my heart for jesus, my passion for missions, and all those wonderful things and we can get married and run off and have adventures together. but here's where my thoughts start to differ a bit. it makes me sad when people are not content with where god has them at the present time. if there's one thing i've learned on this journey with jesus, its that his plans are way better than mine. the greatest thing i could possibly imagine for my life is miniscule compared to what he has in store. he will blow my mind, and rock my world...if i let him. i know people get tired of hearing others tell them that "god has a plan for their lives", "you just have to be patient", "god will give you the desires of your heart" or "god is just getting you ready"...but people say that stuff BECAUSE ITS TRUE!!! these are all statements of trust. the most basic foundational thing of a relationship with jesus is: TRUST trust that god knows you better than you know yourself, and that he's got your back. it's simple. we humans make it so difficult when it doesn't have to be. furthermore, i think the most important thing we can do in preparation for whatever god has in store for us is to search our own hearts, and seek to be like jesus. if you are not seeking, growing, learning, then you're not ready! i desire to be the best woman i can be for this man when he crosses my path, and i sure hope that he's growing into the best possible man he can be for me. another thing that i think is key to a healthy mindset about this is knowing god and yourself enough to be okay if there isn't a marriage on your horizon. jesus tells us there is no marriage in heaven (i say that not to disregard marriage on earth, because i think it's good, right, and true as well). in heaven we wont need to worry about who's married to whom. we will have jesus. and the same is true now. we have jesus. the rest of it matters an insignificant amount in comparison. matthew 22:29-30 Jesus replied, "You are in error because you do not know the Scriptures or the power of God. At the resurrection people will neither marry nor be given in marriage; they will be like the angels in heaven." in 1 corinthians 7, paul talks about marriage and how when you are unmarried, you are free to be fully devoted to god. i think that he says this to let us know that being single is a blessing too. marriage is amazing, and knowing another person in such an intimate way was designed by god to give us a taste of the relationship between the father, the son, and the holy spirit, and a vision of what heaven will be like. BUT, when we are single, we are free to fully pursue his calling in our lives, his will on earth, and opportunities that we might not be given if we were committed to someone else. that is a blessing! lastly, jesus says in matthew 6:33 "but seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." i am not sharing all these thoughts to make you feel bad about where you are, or to tell you you're wrong. not in the slightest. i merely hope that this will serve as a reminder that god is good, and we should seek him first. he is the one to whom all glory is given, and i for one want his direction in my life. so seek him, and what he has for you, now, today, in this moment. ask him to show you how you can grow, change, be more like jesus. he wont let you down.

rainer maria rilke

i'm having trouble focusing today. which is probably good, because at the moment i'm trying to focus on reading the time traveler's wife, and its the last few pages and i'm not ready for it to end. i'm feeling a bit of ennui today. i'm not sure whether it is the result of the death of my dear friend chuck norris (our fish), or the thoughts that are weighing on my heart and mind lately, or the lack of amazing things looming on my horizon, or some combination of the above. probably the latter. i'm grieving potential losses, which is silly because they are not yet losses, so why am i causing undo stress on myself? do i think its better to start grieving now so i'll be less sad later when it actually happens? this is warped logic. each day has enough trouble of its own, why worry about hypothetical situations in the future that i can't control? or can i control them by being aware of the possibilities now, and actively seeking positive outcomes? i wish it were possible to read, write, and play minesweeper at the same time. i am still haunted by words that my counselor said to me a couple years ago: he called me "wonderfully complex". i hate that about myself. i wish that i could just let things be simple. love God, love people. nothing else matters. if only it was that easy. i'm very excited to learn about building godly, loving relationships in my small group. this study is going to be good. i think my fears have warped themselves. i know that i have a fear of abandonment, and a fear of being unlovable. but i think now, there's also this element of the fear of being left behind...of being stagnant while people around me are moving forward. i am appalled by how much power these lies have over my life, the way i think, the way i feel, and the way i act. how did i get to this point? how do i combat this? how do i take that power back, and give it to god? "our heart survives between hammers, just as the tongue between the teeth is still able to praise...look, i’m alive. on what? neither childhood nor the future grows less…more being than I’ll ever need springs up in my heart." - the ninth elegy, rainer maria rilke i have words floating around in my head. words, words, words...beckoning to be spilled on a page, to be freed from my head and my heart. but i don't know what they are. are these them?