geeking out

i haven't posted a blog in a while. here's a quick update about my life before i dive into my topic: i spent the summer taking french, and had so much fun. if all the classes at UW were as fun as my french class was, i'd transfer. all you folks who made it as fun as it was, you know who you are. :) in september, i started nannying a few hours a week for a family with two boys who are 6 and 9 years old. i love nannying, because it helps me to reclaim my youth in ways that i wouldn't be able to otherwise. these boys are quite in touch with their boy-nature, and we spend the small amount of time we have together playing football, soccer, basketball, video games, and anything else we find time for. today, the oldest boy taught me how to throw fade and post routes. needless to say, these kids open me up to a brand of fun i haven't experienced in a while. now that it is october, i'm halfway through fall quarter of my senior year. the major that i designed has finally been approved, and i will be graduating in the spring. PRAISE GOD. and thus begins the transition into the topic at hand. now that i can see the end in sight, and my real goal of graduate school on the horizon, i've noticed myself geeking out a bit more on the things i find super interesting. namely, television. how do i geek out on television, you ask? because i want to go into counseling psychology, there are certain shows that most people would classify as "guilty pleasures" that i enjoy watching, solely for the psychological fascination that it brings me. here's a list of the shows i've been enjoying lately, for the way they make me think: dexter real housewives of beverly hills paranormal state sister wives celebrity rehab jersey shore (yeah, i said it. judge me) again, aside from dexter, i don't watch these shows for the quality content. half the time i'm watching and my mouth is hanging open in shock at the behavior of the people onscreen (especially the reality shows). but i find it fascinating. call me a psychology nerd. i'll own it. p.s. what's the real reason i'm writing a blog post? procrastinating on a homework assignment. duh. ;)

i'm hooked on a feeling

sorting through an experience like going to haiti is always a process. i confess this time around it has caught me off guard. i thought it would be easier this time, being the third time i've been to haiti. i thought it would be easier this time, being a leader. i thought it would be easier this time, not having specific ways i was hoping God would show up. boy was i wrong. this trip hit me hard. first of all, being a leader adds a whole host of dynamics to both the trip as well as the processing experience. not only did i get to go to haiti, but i got to watch a whole team of people go to haiti. i got to see people and places through entirely new eyes. i got to hear how God was speaking to other people on the team. that was a bigger blessing than i think i even hoped for. second, i didn't have any questions this time around. both previous trips, i had very specific things that i'd hoped God would reveal to me, or questions that i'd hoped were answered. sure enough, they were. this year, i didn't have questions. my goals were to get everyone there and back safely, and to give God as much room to work in other people's experiences as possible. beyond that, my expectations were slim. shockingly, i got answers. the only thing is...i have no idea what the questions were! so now, i'm working backwards. i have these things God showed me...but what was the question i was asking - or need to be asking?

i don't know yet. i'll get back to you.

here's what i do know: this trip was an affirmation of both my gifts as a leader and relating to others along their journeys. it was also an affirmation of my heart for haiti, and the world. i have been questioning the call i have felt to be a missionary. i don't think this call is in question anymore, though i have been humbled to the point of allowing God to decide if/when and what that looks like, and i have officially given up following the call on my terms. this trip was also a call to grieve. grief has been a theme in my life this year (see good grief), and this trip continued that. there are specific things that i repeatedly felt pushed to grieve: mistakes i have made, things i regret, people i've hurt, sacrifices i've made. things i didn't want to let go of. by the end of the trip, it hurt more to hold onto them than to let them go. some of these things i've had to let go of completely, with the intention of moving on. others i've let go of control in order to allow God to work. i have already been surprised by God. when i give God the space and freedom to work in my life, God does. i need to trust in that more. i am now going to refer back to some of the lessons i learned last year in haiti, as outlined by the Red Sea Rules: 1. realize that God means for you to be where you are. 2. be more concerned for God’s glory than your own relief. 3. acknowledge the enemy, but keep your eyes on the Lord. 4. pray. 5. stay calm and confident and give God time to work. 6. when unsure just take the next logical step by faith. 7. envision God’s enveloping presence. 8. trust God to deliver in his own unique way. 9. view your current crisis as a faith builder for the future. 10. don’t forget to praise him. God is good. all the time.

Haiti, part three

in just three more sleeps i will be headed back to Haiti with a group of really awesome folks. we are working with Bruce and Deb Robinson, specifically on a school that the children of our church started raising money for over a year and a half ago. i just have four words to say to you:

I. AM. SO. EXCITED.

my bet is that this trip will be much different than the last two times i have been there for two very important reasons: a) i'm in school, and will thus be doing homework :/, and b) i'm leading this trip. i have gotten to plan, recruit a team, organize, purchase supplies, run meetings and pray for this team and trip for the last 9 months. and now we are finally going. keep your eyes peeled for stories, blogs, pictures and the like. :D

winter quarter in review

it has been almost two months since my last post. some of you might be wondering where the hell i've been. let me tell you, so am i. i have had essentially five classes this quarter, all theology, and have thus dropped off the map for a bit. particularly the last two-three weeks i have been somewhat of a phantom. today, i am allowing myself a semi-sabbath. i have been powering through 30 pages worth of papers before finals next week, and I'm on my last one that's due monday. it's time for a mental health break. this semi-sabbath is also needed for another reason. there is a particular opportunity that has been presented to me that is a pretty big deal. i will refrain from sharing the details just yet, as there are still many to be worked out and i haven't actually committed to it. let's just say it would be a giant leap out of my comfort zone, and the opportunity to practice a lot of what i preach. in the next few days i will be doing a lot of praying and reflecting on this choice. to give you an idea of some of the things that have been on my mind this quarter, here is a summation of my activities and books read: - With Justice For All, John Perkins - Good News and Good Works, Ronald J. Sider - visiting with Chris Hoke and Tierra Nueva ministries in Burlington WA - a paper articulating my philosophy of ministry (which might end up posted on here) - books of the Bible read (not necessarily every verse, but large chunks): Genesis, Exodus, Deuteronomy, 1 and 2 Samuel, 1 and 2 Chronicles, 1 and 2 Kings, Joshua, Judges, Isaiah, Jeremiah, Ezekiel, Hosea, Amos, Psalms, Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, Romans, 1 and 2 Corinthians, Revelation. - The Prophetic Imagination, Walter Brueggemann - The Dangerous Act of Worship, Mark Labberton - visited a Buddhist meditation center - paper comparing and contrasting the theology of God in Christianity and Islam - exegesis of Isaiah 58, and corresponding paper about the relationship between worship and justice/ministry - celebrated the jewish feasts of passover, sukkoth, purim, hanukkah, sabbath, yom kippur, shavuoth, and rosh hashanah. as you can see, it has been a busy quarter. and that's just school. i'm looking forward to moving on from this quarter, going to haiti in about a month, and summer vacation.

World AIDS Day 2010

i have not necessarily made it a point to focus on this day in years past, not for a lack of concern for the issue. in 2009 i visited Kenya, a country torn apart by the presence of HIV/AIDS. we spent 14 days with children and families who have been affected by the disease. but then i came home. this year its personal. i know someone with HIV. now it's not a hypothetical thing that i know i should care about because it affects so many people i don't know. now it has a face, and a name, and a heart. HIV/AIDS is an epidemic. one cannot claim to love the people of the world without recognizing the significance of this issue. please don't sit still. please don't avert your eyes. lets love and support those affected, and work for a cure.

to haiti, with love

dear haiti, my heart breaks with you at the situation in your country. 2010 has been a year full of trials and tribulation on top of centuries of unrest, corruption, and devastation. 2010 also marks the year that we met. i was there with you when your foundations shook on 12 january. i cannot pretend to understand the devastation that ensued, as i was relatively quickly whisked back to the safety and security of my "american dream". i returned in april and saw tent cities and heard stories of life after the quake. and i'm coming back. this summer was hurricane season, and i watched as winds and rain tore through your makeshift shelters. in october, because of horrific living conditions and poor sanitation, your people have suffered an outbreak of cholera. and today, the glimmer of hope that a new elected leader might change the tide was squished out amid controversy and scandal. haiti, i have set foot on your shores, felt your earth under my feet, swam in your seas, hugged your residents, played with your children, tied rebar for your school buildings, and worshiped our living God with you in your churches. my heart is inextricably linked with yours, and i will see you again. heavenly father, maker of the universe and lover of our souls, i pray for haiti. i pray for your glory to shine through the corruption, for your provision for those who have no home or food, and for a moving of your spirit so completely that haiti would know your name and turn to you. i pray for those of us of privilege, that we will know how best to help the situation without perpetuating it. i pray for a revival. and most of all i pray that your church will never forget our brothers and sisters around the world, that we will never forget the orphan, widow and foreigner. and that your church will remember what it means to be the church...to love you with all our heart, soul, mind and strength...and to love others as ourselves. in the name of jesus, who in his death and resurrection redeems us all. amen. your friend, carly

SPU: Week 1 (Humility)

1 week down.9 to go. (this quarter at least) so i've officially finished my first week of college, round 2. mostly, i feel awesome. i walk across campus and breathe in the air and it just feels right. but i also feel insecure and judgmental. and that's me being brutally honest. i find myself feeling like i am not as awesome as i thought i was, and that everyone is secretly wondering what the hell i'm doing there. i also find myself making judgments about other people in the class, thinking awful things before they think them about me. so to sum it up, i know that God is good, and i'm right where he wants me. but i'm working on living like i know that.