perspective

tonight I occupied a time and space that I haven't occupied in at least three and a half years.

I am sort of at a loss.

I didn't go to class tonight. instead, I took a drive. I ended up where I began, a block from my first Seattle apartment. my feet dangled over the ledge at Kerry Park, and I could see my breath in the chill night air. but most importantly I could see the lights of the city lit up against the dark sky, and I watched the ferry boat glide across Puget Sound.

I made a choice. I am here. I am whole, named and known. and I have come so far. this space that I am in is not me.

and so, I am left with questions. why now? how did I get here? I imagine it was not one moment but rather the compromising of many moments that got me here, to the one that finally did me in. how can I avoid this place in the future?

unfortunately, these questions remain unanswered for now. I await the moment I find the ability to breathe regularly again, when I can search for these answers with the benefit of hindsight, and with the freedom of a long weekend.

it's the little things

life is good. i have no complaints whatsoever.

that doesn't always mean that i am successful at getting out of bed at a decent hour, getting all of my work done, or completing some of life's basic tasks, such as making sure i have food to eat and my laundry is put away.

today, however, is different.

today, i feel like an adult.

why? you ask...

because today, my bed is made. my room is clean. my laundry is put away. it is 10am and i have managed to shower, go to work, go to the grocery store, and complete an assignment for school. i am on a roll.

don't worry, it wont last. (see this blog for amusement, and the story of my life)

i am living at the most full version of myself when i don't have the freedom to do whatever i want. i need boundaries, schedules, tasks, to maintain my sanity. (flashbacks to THEO 6030 and Bonhoeffer here) my point is, this quarter is shaping up to be a busy, fulfilling, live-giving quarter, and i am super excited. i don't always feel like i have it together. more often than not, i am happy if i am surviving. today i am thriving, and i will rejoice in that.

a unicorn or a leper

this is a blog about sex and singleness. i can't help it, the topic just seems to continue to come up in my life lately. and it seems that more often than not it results in me having to defend my life choices. so, this blog is part complaining and part insight into how it feels to be a single and abstinent twenty-seven year old woman.

"Being a virgin in this day and age is something to be proud of. You're like a unicorn." - Shirley Bennett (a character on the tv show Community)

i used to agree with this statement. i was proud of the choices i had made, and proud that sexual intimacy is something that i only want to experience with my husband (if/when he comes along). i have had a handful of experiences this summer, though, that have made me feel otherwise: like i am a virgin because i am undesirable, or that being a virgin at my age is weird and i am somehow less than. more and more people are starting to ask me when i am going to get married and start a family of my own. i suddenly feel pressure. but here is what i have to say in response to the pressure, and to the feeling that rises up inside me as i react:

if you know me at all, you know that family is incredibly important to me, as are children in general. if you know me, you know that i love to tell stories about my younger brothers and sisters, or my nieces and nephews. i speak about them as a proud big sister/auntie, and i do my best to love them despite being geographically separated from them.

and if you know me at all, you know that i love the children i interact with daily as well. i love the kids that i work with, and i love the kids of my dear friends who have become my family in seattle.

i have no shortage of people to love and invest in.

and just because i am not legally responsible for these people, and none of them share my genetics, does not mean that i don't have a family of my own.

i have chosen a path that has led to schooling and a schedule that keeps me tied loosely to my sanity sometimes. how in the world would i ever manage to fit a boyfriend, let alone a husband and a family into this? i am proud of what i am doing, and i feel called to what i am doing, even if that means that other parts of my life are on hold.

i am twenty-seven. i am single. i choose not to have sex.

this is who i am, and it shouldn't surprise anyone, nor should i have to apologize for it.

walking barefoot

a couple weeks ago i went home to california to visit my family.

every time i go home is different, because my family is growing and changing all the time. my siblings are getting older and becoming their own people in new, exciting and challenging ways.

that i can't be there to see every step of the journey is an ache deep in my soul, but i treasure the moments i do get with them. this visit, i had moments with each of the kids that can be described as nothing short of holy. they were simple, and maybe could have gone unnoticed, but even as they happened i had the distinct feeling that the moment was significant. i wont share the details of each experience, for they are my own to treasure, but i did learn something significant about each of my siblings.

my oldest little sister is so smart. she has a little trouble with math, but who can blame her? she was asked to apply for a program that would challenge her academically and allow her to develop her leadership skills. she would be so great at this! she has so much to offer the world, and i hope that she finds the confidence to step into these opportunities, and find the ones that will give her life.

my oldest younger brother is so considerate. despite the deep hurts and the long road of healing that i know he has ahead of him, he is sweet and kind and thoughtful. when it is just us, he is an absolute gentleman, opening doors, offering to carry things for me and buying me ice cream. i had never seen this side of him, and it gives me so much hope for his future.

my youngest sister is so creative. she has attitude and is clever and funny. she is so excited to be in a class this year that lets her do some acting and video editing. i can see her being an actress or telling stories in some way, if she learns how to channel that creative energy positively. she is always fun to interact with, because she can banter with the best of them.

my youngest brother has the fullest heart. he is fearless and ready to try anything. if it turns out badly, he tries something different. he knows who he is (at the ripe old age of 8) and he's not afraid of judgment or ridicule. he loves, and he's not afraid to show it. i think deep down he believes that if he sits on my lap long enough, i wont leave california for seattle. and it breaks my heart every time.

i am so thankful for these kids, and i love them with my whole self. i am glad that i know them, and that each time i see them i learn more about who they are.

learning reciprocity of relationship

it has been a sort of bittersweet week for me. on the one hand, i celebrated a birthday, and that was lovely. my birthdays tend to be associated with anxiety, drama and disappointment for me, and so while part of me gets a little excited every year when june 27th rolls around, another part reminds me to keep my expectations low. this year, however, was simply delightful. i spent the days surrounding my birthday with a fun group of 5-year-olds as well as dear (old and new) grown-up friends, and all i felt was joy - and a lot of exhaustion due to the kiddos.

but this week also marks a year since i had to make a decision that i really didn't want to make, and this makes me sad.

we all have friendships that come and go. there are those friendships that just sort of fade away because of distance or busyness. there are those friendships that are super awesome for a season of time, and though you're sad to see them go you know its time to say goodbye. if you're lucky, you have some friends who you pick right up with no matter how long its been since you've seen each other.

but every once in a while, there comes a time when it is necessary to make a conscious choice to end a friendship, and that's what i did last year. the thing of it is, this wasn't just some acquaintance or seasonal friend. i said goodbye to my best friend. i said goodbye to the one person who knew me better than anyone else in the world. i said goodbye to the person who brought me to seattle.

i have never had to make this sort of decision before. and i didn't make it arbitrarily. the fact of the matter is i probably should have ended this friendship long before i did, and i maybe should have never let it begin in the first place. i can't think of a time when our friendship was particularly healthy. but for all the dysfunction that existed between us, i learned so much from being her best friend for 7 years. i learned how to be vulnerable, and i learned how to honor someone else's vulnerability. i learned how to have a fight and to forgive. i learned how to communicate. i learned how to share in another person's joys and sorrows. eventually, i learned boundaries. i hate that i had to make this choice. i hate that i said goodbye to someone who had been such an important presence in my life for so long. my soul cringes at the implications of ending a friendship. and i still think of her. i still worry about her. i still visit her facebook page. but i haven't communicated with her in a year.

luckily, i am surrounded by a wonderful group of friends who made that void feel smaller. the people around me are teaching me what healthy friendships look like. they are teaching me that love means a give and take, love involves mutuality and reciprocity: in some moments i am serving you and in others you are serving me.

so...i am still grieving the loss of this friendship. i am learning to appreciate the good parts of this friendship and be honest about the bad parts. i am disappointed that it had to end the way it did, but i feel confident that God has been faithful to use the experience to teach me as well as to surround me with community that continues to love and teach me.

summer 2013 reading list

in what has become a bit of a tradition, it is time to list out the books i intend to read this summer. inevitably, i will get distracted by sunshine, friends and family and will read fewer than half of these books...but i like to be ambitious.

key: books to re-read
completed books
books for school

in no particular order:
The City & the City - China Miéville
Love, Imperfectly Known: Beyond Spontaneous Representations of God - Brother Emmanuel of Taizé
Ender's Game - Orson Scott Card
Speaker for the Dead - Orson Scott Card
The Prophetic Imagination - Walter Brueggemann
How to Become a Really Good Pain in the Ass - Christopher DiCarlo
How Music Works - John Powell
Walking on Water - Madeleine L'Engle
On Liturgical Theology - Aidan Kavanagh
Liturgy as a Way of Life - Bruce Ellis Benson
The Study of Liturgy - Various
For the Beauty of the Church: Casting a Vision for the Arts - W. David O. Taylor (despite the use of the word "robust" on the book jacket)
What We Talk About When We Talk About God - Rob Bell
Daring Greatly - Brené Brown
Desiring the Kingdom - James K.A. Smith
Imagining the Kingdom - James K.A. Smith
Doxology: The Praise of God in Worship, Doctrine and Life - Geoffrey Wainwright
Fresh Air: The Holy Spirit for an Inspired Life - Jack Levison
The Fellowship of the Ring - J.R.R. Tolkien
The Two Towers - J.R.R. Tolkien
The Return of the King - J.R.R. Tolkien

an attempt to describe what is happening in my soul after reading the lord of the rings

back when the bestie and I were roommates, i teased her about her obsession with Lord of the Rings. i laughed to myself (and sometimes to her face) as she stayed up late flipping pages fiercely. and i called her a nerd when she set up her collection of memorabilia. but here you have it, friends: i hereby eat my words. i finished reading the Return of the King on Sunday morning after a two-week binge, and let me tell you...since then there has been a sort of ache somewhere deep inside of me. something is different. i find my mind wandering to the Shire with the Hobbits, sitting in on the council of Elrond, laying on a bed of soft grass conversing with Treebeard. i almost don't feel like the same "me" anymore. call me crazy, i'm okay with that. tell me it's just a book (or series of books, if you want to get technical). you're right. but there is something about this story. something about the way it is told. something about the characters that rings true. it seems to put air in your lungs, a bounce in your step, and hope in your heart. i understand why she reads it every year. i understand why she gets excited to talk about it when someone brings it up. i even understand the memorabilia. we had class last night at my professor's house - and you know the first thing a seminary student does when they walk into a professor's house is look at their bookshelves - i found my eyes darting around for Lord of the Rings. as soon as i spotted them, i was satisfied (the Bilbo bobble-head i noticed later was icing on the cake). the only sad part was that i couldn't talk to her about the books because then i would have to admit that i had spent the weekend reading instead of doing the homework for her class. ;) so, fellow LotR nerds, consider me officially a part of the club. i will own it proudly.