advent week one

stay awake
advent week one
mark 13:24-37

take a moment to read mark 13:24-37 if you are not familiar, as this reflection follows pretty closely to the outline of the text. i’m also setting some stuff up that we will come back to in future weeks, so bear with me.

wtf even is advent? logistically, it is the four weeks leading up to christmas. spoiler alert: in USAmerica, we like to think that christmas starts right after thanksgiving (or for some strange folks, after halloween). we bust out the red and green, sing songs about baby jesus, put up christmas trees. but christmas time doesn’t even start until christmas day.

for four weeks before christmas, we wait. we bust out the purple (most commonly), we light candles, and we let the anticipation build. advent is the season of waiting with bated breath.

--- (when you see this marker, it is intended to be a spot for you to pause and take a breath before moving forward. it might mean i’m about to say a bunch of stuff, or it might mean i just said a bunch of stuff and i want to give you a moment to process before we move on. either way, it is important and intentional, so take a breath)

and that is the space that this first text invites us into. initially, it seems a bit scary. the sun and the moon lose their light, stars fall from the sky, some dude called the son of man comes out of the clouds, and angels run amuck.

that is not actually what is going to happen. the writer of mark is using imagery that is used in other places in the story that let us know that god is about to do something, and we need to shut up and pay attention.

and then there’s a fig tree? where did this come from? again, the writer is using a symbol that is rich with evocative imagery. the fig tree comes up all over the story, but it goes back to the beginning. if you remember the poem at the beginning of genesis, you remember there are a few trees. the tree of life, the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, and then a fig tree. i swear the fig tree is there. It is how adam and eve make clothes for themselves after “the fall” (which is problematic language for this bit of the story, but that’s for another post).

let’s spend a second with this old fig tree. before adam and eve find this fig tree, they are naked before god, there is no shame. only unconditional, open and reciprocal love and knowledge. but after they transgress a boundary (we can unpack the problematic language of sin in another post as well), adam and eve feel the need to cover themselves. the garments made of fig leaves become the first thing that humanity creates to separate themselves from god. they do this before god dishes out any punishment, they hide from god, they react with fear. before this, there is no separation of relationship (we will come back to this in future weeks).

back to mark. the writer tells us that the fig tree is a sign that something is going to change. that thing that you know so well, that thing that shows up in your stories, that you pay attention to because it has meaning to you, that thing that tells you things are changing...that’s what the sun and the moon and the stars are doing here. something is changing.

the writer makes it clear that there are signs that we need to be paying attention to. a change is going to come, and we better be ready.

then the writer of mark says something interesting. “heaven and earth will pass away, but my words will not pass away.” this sentiment is expressed over and over again in the story, just like the fig tree keeps coming up. and there’s lots to unpack here. but i’m going to save that for next week. for now, keep it in the back of your mind.

the rest of this passage, we are told that we don’t know when the time will be. we don’t know when this new thing is going to happen. we have to pay attention. we have to stay alert.

if you are reading the NRSV, as i am inclined to do when i am able to open a bible, the next verses can be shocking. we are given an analogy for why it is important to keep awake. “it is like a man going on a journey, when he leaves home and puts his slaves in charge, each with his work, and commands the doorkeeper to be on the watch. therefore, keep awake - for you do not know when the master of the house will come, in the evening, or at midnight, or at cockcrow, or at dawn, or else he may find you asleep when he comes suddenly (mark 13:24-26).” it would be easy to skip past this and focus on the idea of staying awake. but i’m not really a fan of easy.

there are a couple important things to remember as we encounter these verses. first, it was written to a specific group of people, in a specific time, for a specific purpose, and we should consider it as such. second, scripture is also living and dynamic, and we should also consider it through our modern eyes with all of the context that we bring to it.

that said, the people the writer of mark is addressing had slaves. this text is trying to instill a sense of fearful anticipation. slaves who are left to tend a master’s house while they are gone must stay vigilant so as not to be caught failing at their duties. because what happens if they don’t do what they are supposed to? they are punished. to read this through our current context, in USAmerica, we must acknowledge our own history of slavery, and the ways in which we subjugated an entire group of people through fear, power, and control. and the ways in which we continue to do this in our country.

this metaphor sucks. despite intending for the reader to identify with the position of the slave in the story (as god is the “master”), it is written from the privileged position of the master in reality. it is painful, it should force us to be honest about our complicity, because we can at once identify as the “slave” as well as the “master.” the plain sense meaning of this text and our identification with the slave’s position in the story is pretty straightforward. so can we put ourselves in the shoes of the master? and what does it mean for us to keep awake?

as a master, staying awake means realizing the ways in which your presence and privilege devalues, is hurtful to, or outright oppresses another. staying awake means educating yourself about the things that are happening around you in the world that you have the privilege of being insulated from. staying awake is about removing our fig leaves and making ourselves vulnerable and open to god’s movement.

--- (don’t forget to take a breath here)

the phrase “stay woke,” may have come to your mind in reading this. the association is fair, it is worded very similarly. the ubiquity of the term, however, is the direct result of cultural appropriation on behalf of ignorant white people. the term is originally a black term used to describe a consciousness of the apparatus of white supremacy, and it gained traction in a broader context after the murder of Trayvon Martin and the beginning of the #BlackLivesMatter movement. after that, white people made it a meme, attached it to nonsense, and there was no turning back.

but i think the association of the term isn’t necessarily a bad thing here, as this sort of awareness is what i am calling us all to this advent. but don’t forget where this term came from, and don’t trivialize it. in “staying awake,” as the writer of mark implores us to do, we need to wake up to systems of oppression and our participation in them. we need to wake up to realities that we get to ignore most of the time. because advent is about waiting for the moment of change. advent is about realizing that something big is on the horizon, god is about to do a new thing, and we are invited to participate in it. but we need to wake up, we need to be aware.

so at the beginning of this season, ask yourself what you need to wake up to in the world around you. ask yourself what change might be coming (or should be coming, perhaps with your help) in these areas. and if you are unsure, consider some of these things:

LGBTQ+ rights in USAmerica and the rest of the world
blatant corruption of USAmerican politicians
police brutality, particularly toward people of color
the prison industrial complex and the ways in which it perpetuates a modern form of slavery
systemic oppression of white supremacy, patriarchy, and colonialism
rampant terrorism in the middle east that has millions of people living in fear every day
Rohingya refugees and their daily struggle for survival
there is more...there is always more.

this list isn’t meant to depress you. advent is primarily about hope. but we can’t truly have hope until we can be honest about our current reality and what discover what it is we hope for.

advent is queer, y'all

this is the introduction to a series i am doing through advent 2017

i used to be a christian. i am a theologian. i am also queer. this is a bit of a venn diagram sort of situation, to be sure. but it doesn't take much observation to realize that chrtistian spirituality and queerness do not often exist in the same spaces.

i'm working on holding these two things together. i probably would not call myself a christian anymore, for three big reasons (and several more small ones). first, i have little faith in the institution of the church and think it needs to be dismantled or radically and irreversibly changed. second, i think christians tend to ask the wrong questions of jesus, scripture, and their faith. third, most christians would probably call me a heretic, and that's fine because frankly, i would rather avoid the baggage that the label carries.

these things said, i obviously can't deny where i have been. i have christian language, and i have access to christian spaces. i still have a stake in the conversation. the bits and pieces that i do hold onto make me who i am and inform how i exist in the world. and i don't think jesus is useless.

there are also so many queer, trans, and closeted people with some connection to christianity who are suffering and dying because of oppressive beliefs. i simply cannot stand for that. because i exist somewhere in the overlap of the venn diagram, i feel i have a responsibility to use my skills and training to do something about the pain and injustice that have been caused because of this tradition.

so here i go. i'm starting with advent. because i think jesus is queer AF. and advent is where it all begins.

here's how it will work: each week, i will choose one of the advent readings from the revised common lectionary, and i will reflect on it with an eye toward queerness. this is reflection. if you are looking for exegesis, this ain't it. maybe i'll get to that somewhere down the line, but that is not where i'm going to begin.

i'll post these reflections on sundays. i welcome conversation, but i do not welcome bigotry, queer/transphobia, racism, assholes or trolls.

buckle up. open your mind. pray, if you will. be humble.

coming out, catching up, filling in the gaps

this post is intended to cover a few details from the last couple years that i have slacked on the posting. and to celebrate asexuality awareness week. i wasn’t sure what would come out when i sat down to write, but i feel such a sense of release after letting this out.

---

i have had this blog in various iterations for over fifteen years. sadly, i haven’t written in over two years, and i find that most unfortunate because i think the most has changed in these two years than any other period of my life. not simply circumstantial change, but soul-changing growth.

sometimes i go back and read through old posts to remind myself how far i have come. more recently though, i don’t recognize myself in the words that i read. i am not proud of all of my words or everything i did. but this is me. i want to figure out how to hold all of the parts of my story.

i am the same seven-year-old who would rather play baseball than barbies.

i am the same thirteen-year-old full of angst who just wanted to know that i matter.

i am the same twenty-two-year-old who would leave everything for the chance at adventure.

i am the same twenty-seven-year-old privileged theologian completely oblivious to what’s around the corner.

in the last two-three years i have experienced a major depressive episode, gone on medication, been ready to die, gone off medication, and found peace. i let all of the spinning plates fall down around me, and i learned that i will survive, and still be loved, when i fail. i became a therapist, traveled to Europe, turned 30…and came out as queer.

the funny thing is, this isn’t a new process and it isn’t new information. i was discovering my queer identity when i was four and when i was fourteen. when i turned seventeen i became a christian, and queerness became (implicitly and explicitly) not okay. i quit queerness cold turkey.

for a long time i tried to fit the model of womanhood that the church and society idolizes. i tried to care about makeup and dresses. i convinced myself that my goal in life was to find a husband, get married and have kids. i tried. i unwittingly deceived myself.

and then at some point something switched. it started with processing the bullshit social construct called "virginity." believe it or not, theology dragged me through the next few steps, as i internalized my inherent worthiness - whether or not i met societal expectations. theology also opened my eyes to patriarchy, white supremacy, and privilege. and i couldn't pretend anymore.

i don't like labels. ask me if i identify with something and i will probably take a deep breath, look thoughtfully into the air and begin with a "weeelllll......" but there is one i will own: i am queer.

i love this term because it is non-dualistic. it is specific, yet open. it implies imagination and invites flexibility. i love it because it hopes you will ask me more. i am queer.

i hope your next question is "what does that mean for you?"

for me queer means that i balk at societal expectations of what gender is supposed to be. i love the feminine and masculine aspects of my personhood and i express whatever feels true to me to express at any given time. it also means that i can feel beautiful even though i don't look like people who usually get this label.

for me queer means that sex is not the most important thing in the world to me. sexuality is bigger than what genitals come together - or don't. connection and intimacy is meaningful to me, and i experience that in myriad ways with many and multiple people.

queer means that i imagine possibilities for the fullness of life that cannot be imagined in racist, misogynistic, or closed systems. and it means that my existence is a form of resistance to these systems.

queer also means that i belong to a community of the marginalized. it means that i experience discomfort, disrespect and sometimes fear in public spaces where people are close-minded and ignorant. it means that i experience hurt from people who are close to me who don't try to understand where i'm coming from or how heteronormativity is damaging to all of us. it means that i am alienated from cisgender, heterosexual circles - intentional or not.

i am queer.

i would not be at this point today without the journey i have been on. i cannot throw away my queerness or my theology. and yet, there are few places where i can hold them both together. for me, this is the personal task at hand: to integrate queer and spiritual identities. i know it is possible, and i am so ready for it.

i hope this marks a return to writing for me. this has been good for my soul.

love built it and love will tear it down

it's just a room
with walls
for limits
and a glass ceiling
to hold us in

it's just a system
with rules
for order
and structures
to control our beliefs and our behaviors

Love built it
your genitals commodified it
your white skin colonized it
your arrogance organized it
and you hoarded it's power
and Love will tear it down

Love built it and Love will tear it down

it was never meant to be reined in
it was never meant to be exclusive
it was never meant to be given limits
it was never meant to oppress
it was never yours to dominate

Love is high and wide and deep
Love holds and knows and sees
Love is free and freely given
Love is you and Love is me
Love is our bodies in all complexity
in pleasure and in pain
in hope and in despair
Love is imminent
Love is human and divine
Love is presence
Love is mystery

Love built it and Love will tear it down

Resolved

Hello all. I have been feeling like I need to write things down, to update, to celebrate.

Some of you saw my list of things I would like to accomplish this year on FB. If not, here it is:

January - posture training February - "Of Poetry and Protest" read one poem per day out of this anthology March - try a new church every Sunday April - daily yoga May - new tattoo June - finish writing my book July - create one piece of art per week August - practice forgiveness September - leave the country October - do one thing for someone else per day November - no Netflix for one week December - read one book per month

I reserved the right to make revisions, and I will do so. First, rather than associating things with specific months of the year, I'm just making a list of 12 things I want to accomplish.

1. Posture training
2. Read "Of Poetry and Protest," one poem per day for one month
3. Lose 20lbs
4. Join a soccer team
5. Get a new tattoo
6. Finish writing my book
7. Create one piece of art per week for one month
8. Graduate
9. Leave the country
10. Do one thing for someone else every day for a month
11. No Netflix for one week
12. Read one book per month

I'm updating because I have already made a lot of progress on these goals!

-I have been posture training since January. It is slow going, but I'm doing it. -I read "Of Poetry and Protest," and was blown away by the voices of oppression and the way they use their art to speak truth. -I joined a beginners soccer team! -I visited Vancouver in February, and I have trips to Scotland and Spain planned for later this year. -I have read almost 12 books so far this year! I haven't read like this in ages. I hope I can keep it up all year long!

It isn't just exciting that I'm accomplishing goals. The really exciting piece is that I feel good. I feel good for the first time in a long time. I'm healthy - mentally, physically, spiritually. I'm happy.

color

i wrote this poem last fall. i found it this week getting ready to share something else. it feels true still.

this shard of color
from which the wild rhythm builds
demands trust
to the beat of not seeing this soul

this shard of color
was a lyrical blue
your composing
my composing
a collaborative illusion
through my fingers like sand

yet hope needs more
than these bold lips can proclaim
for you are free in the form of a lie
and there are no further words
for me to speak

all that is left is breath and time
but i
we linger fully sacred here

how goes it with your soul?

oh, how i miss hearing that question every week. i miss the vulnerable encounter of speaking one's deepest truth and being met with grace in the soul of another. i miss the curiosity that followed, the honest desire to understand and to commune with one another in whatever space we found ourselves. at the time, it seemed tedious. no one was content with trite answers, and i couldn't get away with my normal tactics of deflection and vagueness. but it was so good for me.

because for as much as i advocate for deep, vulnerable and authentic relationships, and for as good as i am at inviting vulnerability for others, i actually quite suck at it.

i have had relationships in the past where we just don't talk about difficult subjects. i have had people respond to my deepest truths by trying to convince me that i am wrong for thinking or feeling what i did in the moment. and i have had people completely disengage from our friendship when i was honest about what was going on with me. i have learned that being my truest self is not safe. i have learned that i am too crazy for most people to know what to do with.

i am trying to fix this. it is like learning to walk. sometimes i fall flat on my face by saying something that is unintentionally hurtful or just not appropriate for that particular moment. sometimes i don't know what i want or need. sometimes i know, but i don't know how to ask for it. sometimes i just need to get back on my hands and knees and crawl for a bit.

so, the rest of this blog is my attempt to articulate what is going on inside of me. this is me trying to make sense of what feels like an overwhelming deluge.

---

fall quarter brought a lot of change. that wasn't surprising, i was anticipating all of it. it appears, though, that i did not set myself up for success in these changes, or at the very least couldn't anticipate the way these changes have affected me.

leaving my church has been so difficult. in different ways than i articulated when i posted about it previously. my theology has been growing and changing so much in the last year that leaving my church has equalled something more like stepping off of solid ground onto a skateboard for the first time. i do not have my balance. i don't know where my beliefs fit, and what's more is i don't know where i fit. for as much as my church was spiritually unsatisfying for the last couple years i was there, it was familiar. i didn't attend any service for three months, and the result has been that i do not have my feet underneath me, spiritually speaking.

i also started my internship in the fall. it is affecting me in ways that i would not have anticipated either. i swing wildly back and forth between feeling competent and feeling utterly overwhelmed. people's lives are in my hands. perhaps that is an exaggeration, but these people are looking to me for help, and i am not so sure i can give it. i wonder whether i can handle this for the rest of my life. i wonder whether this is really what i want to do, or even what i am good at. for the most part, these feelings are normal. but eventually they are supposed to go away. eventually you are supposed to get the hang of things. this hasn't happened for me yet. i don't have my professional feet underneath me yet.

i left california after my little christmas stint with my family feeling a strong need to further differentiate myself from that life that i am in some ways very invested in, but in most ways entirely separate from. i don't fit there anymore.

my family also had a health scare over the holidays. between that and a few other situational things, i find myself facing the reality of the way of living that i have chosen for myself. i choose to be single and celibate. i enjoy my life. but at the end of the day, that choice leads to certain conclusions. for as committed as i am to those i love, there is always the possibility of something less from them. likewise, i am no one's number one priority. no one considers me when making decisions. because of these things, i will always end my days alone. this is a hard realization to come to. my choice to be single affords me a lot of wonderful possibilities. but this is the difficulty of the other side of the coin. i am forced to face the reality of at least a small amount of perpetual uncertainty when it comes to my relationships.

no part of my life feels safe, secure, or firm. i don't feel as though i can set my feet on anything to get my balance. what's more is that i don't know how to talk about what that is doing to my soul. i don't know how to say that i am more anxious than i have been in 5 years, towing the line of panic attacks, reminding myself every moment that i have to breathe. i don't know how to say that i don't want to get out of bed in the morning, and that i cry more days than i don't. moreover, i don't know what talking about it would accomplish. i don't know what would help. i don't know what anyone could do or say to give me comfort. but i know that i want to be seen, heard and held. i don't want to have to pretend that i am okay in order for people to love me. i want it to be okay that i am not perfect.

i want to know it is safe to be real.