on choosing to leave
i moved to seattle when i was 21. it was the tail end of february, and i spent at least a month without a job and only knowing one other person in the city. finding a church to engage in became one of my highest priorities. it wasn't until that summer in 2008 that i stumbled upon Convergence, the young adult ministry at University Presbyterian Church.
very quickly, i found people who wanted to know me and people i wanted to know. within two years, i joined a small group, went on mission trips, participated in leadership and became an intern. i had found my people, my place, my home.
during that time, i grew profoundly in my faith. i found the direction and the courage to own all of the person that i am and to return to school with a vision for my life. i experienced God in ways that shook me to my core and changed me forever.
in 2012, Convergence ended. my pastor left. the service i attended on sunday was cancelled. my community was gone.
still, i did not leave. as droves of my Convergence friends left for churches that had programs that engaged them more, i decided to press into a difficult space and stay with the church that i had invested so much in. there were a couple handfuls of people left from the community i had built, and we banded together.
between 2008 and 2014 i participated in Convergence, the 7pm service, deacon ministry, several mission trips, stephen ministry, high school ministry, children's ministry, and more. i know and am connected to people of all ages within this congregation. in many ways, i have grown to love all of the people i have encountered along this journey. while Convergence is what drew me in, it was all of these people, and particularly the families that i connected with this past year that have made UPC a home for me over the past 6 years.
with all of this said, and with a very heavy heart, i made the decision to leave this home. my last sunday at UPC was in september.
i want to speak a little bit about what this process has been like for me. when i left, i was fully prepared to begin to engage in another church context. however, within a week i realized that wasn't going to happen right away.
my heart is broken. it is broken for the faces that i no longer get to see. it is broken for the relationships that i am no longer a part of. it is broken for the dear friends that i have that are still stuck in a system that causes them pain and frustration.
my soul is healing. it is healing from the hurt of a community that chose not to listen to my voice. it is healing from the wounds of having to shut of my soul and convictions in order to enter the sanctuary. it is healing from a year of encountering God in every place but the sanctuary.
i am grieving the loss of part of my community and figuring out how to worship God in church again. this is a painful process. though i felt a clear sense from God that it was time to leave, i was not ready for all that leaving entailed.
i chose to leave. and i am dealing with the consequences of that choice, both positive and negative.
