on choosing to leave

i moved to seattle when i was 21. it was the tail end of february, and i spent at least a month without a job and only knowing one other person in the city. finding a church to engage in became one of my highest priorities. it wasn't until that summer in 2008 that i stumbled upon Convergence, the young adult ministry at University Presbyterian Church.

very quickly, i found people who wanted to know me and people i wanted to know. within two years, i joined a small group, went on mission trips, participated in leadership and became an intern. i had found my people, my place, my home.

during that time, i grew profoundly in my faith. i found the direction and the courage to own all of the person that i am and to return to school with a vision for my life. i experienced God in ways that shook me to my core and changed me forever.

in 2012, Convergence ended. my pastor left. the service i attended on sunday was cancelled. my community was gone.

still, i did not leave. as droves of my Convergence friends left for churches that had programs that engaged them more, i decided to press into a difficult space and stay with the church that i had invested so much in. there were a couple handfuls of people left from the community i had built, and we banded together.

between 2008 and 2014 i participated in Convergence, the 7pm service, deacon ministry, several mission trips, stephen ministry, high school ministry, children's ministry, and more. i know and am connected to people of all ages within this congregation. in many ways, i have grown to love all of the people i have encountered along this journey. while Convergence is what drew me in, it was all of these people, and particularly the families that i connected with this past year that have made UPC a home for me over the past 6 years.



with all of this said, and with a very heavy heart, i made the decision to leave this home. my last sunday at UPC was in september.



i want to speak a little bit about what this process has been like for me. when i left, i was fully prepared to begin to engage in another church context. however, within a week i realized that wasn't going to happen right away.

my heart is broken. it is broken for the faces that i no longer get to see. it is broken for the relationships that i am no longer a part of. it is broken for the dear friends that i have that are still stuck in a system that causes them pain and frustration.

my soul is healing. it is healing from the hurt of a community that chose not to listen to my voice. it is healing from the wounds of having to shut of my soul and convictions in order to enter the sanctuary. it is healing from a year of encountering God in every place but the sanctuary.

i am grieving the loss of part of my community and figuring out how to worship God in church again. this is a painful process. though i felt a clear sense from God that it was time to leave, i was not ready for all that leaving entailed.

i chose to leave. and i am dealing with the consequences of that choice, both positive and negative.

Continuing the "young adult" topic

So after the series of blog posts that I wrote at the beginning of the month and the response that I got from them, I have been wanting to write some follow-up. The posts I wrote are pretty one-sided. I talk a lot about the "demographic" of "young adults" and what the church could do better. I want to turn my attention now to my peers. Dear friends - who attend UPC, another congregation, or several congregations... We are not without blame in the situation at hand. In many ways we sequester ourselves and expect people to cater to our needs. This needs to stop. For as many people that I have seen commit to a congregation and a group and pour into it, I have also seen numerous people bail when a need is not met, jump from church to church because of "awesome worship" or "good preaching". This is not biblical and it needs to stop. I understand there are times when God is releasing us from a congregation, but those times should be few and far between. First and foremost, a church congregation is a family mutually participating in worship of God and in God's mission in the world - together. This doesn't happen as well when people are coming and going. Part of being in a family is being there through thick and thin, through peaks and valleys. Church is not about you, it is about God. Worship is not about whether we sing hymns or listen to a guitar, it is about God. So, friends who happen to be young adults, in whatever place you worship, put down roots. Stick it out. Choose a community and love them whole-heartedly, regardless of whether all of your needs are being met. Because your needs are not the point of walking through those doors on Sunday. If you go to UPC, pick a new worship time and commit to it. Commit to being a part of making it a moment in time that brings people into communion with God and with each other. Join a launch team. It will only be as much as you make of it. If you want more fellowship with other young adults, don't just sit there...talk to people. Invite people out after the service. There are opportunities to get involved too, but no one is going to build your community for you. For those of you who are committed, I want to encourage you. I know it sometimes feels like fighting an uphill battle to get your voice heard. I know we are battling stereotypes and assumptions that run deep. Take heart, you are not alone, and your work is important. Come to UPC on Sundays leading up to Advent. George just started a series on worship, and I can guarantee at the very least it will be thought provoking, but my hope is it will be paradigm-shifting. I happen to be studying worship in one of my classes in seminary right now, so there's a good chance I'll be sharing some reflections throughout this sermon series as well, so check back in or subscribe for updates. Peace and hope, Carly

Moving forward: ideas for loving "young adults"

As the final installment in what has become a series of blog posts, I want to talk about tangible steps. I have noted that there are changes happening at UPC that are painful for those of us who identify as members of the young adult community or Convergence. I have noted that part of the issue are some commonly held misconceptions about the nature of people in this stage of life. And now I want that to mean something. How can UPC love young adults better? I don't claim to have this answer. I do not know everything. But I might have some ideas. 1. Take a young adult out for coffee. Odds are, if you are involved in ministries at UPC, you have some contact with people who fall into this age group. Maybe they teach your kids in Sunday School. Maybe they are your high schooler's small group leader. Find one of these people who crosses your path and get to know them. Sit with them during dinner in Larson. Ask them what is happening in their lives. 2. Allow for participation in worship. There were some elements of the 7pm that were particularly enjoyable that are easily translatable to a different service. Some ideas include: communion every Sunday (with members of the congregation getting to serve), reading Scripture from the pews, music that flows out of the study and conversation of the congregation (this manifested itself at Convergence through The Hills Beyond, and giving them an opportunity to translate that to the wider body could be amazing and transformative). 3. Young Adult retreat. We miss each other. In this time when we don't have Convergence anymore, we need an opportunity to connect. Continuing the tradition we have had of a young adult retreat would be a great opportunity for that, and also a chance to invite new faces in for connection. Continuing this element could also be a huge gesture showing that UPC values our community and our growth. 4. Don't treat us differently because of our age. Not everything is about age, not every young adult is the same. Get to know me as a person, not as a stereotype. Don't ask me why I'm single or if you can help me find a husband. Ask me about my hobbies, the people I care about, how I spend my time. Yes, we are young, but that doesn't need to be pointed out at every turn (just as we wouldn't immediately address the age of a 60-year-old we were talking to). We have something to contribute to the church, and a role to play in leading the church. Let us help. 5. Teaching, Mentorship, Discipleship. If we are going to be effective future leaders of the church, we can't do it alone. We need your help. Perhaps one of the quickest ways to change the culture around generational differences is to face them head on with teaching (from the pulpit or in adult education classes) on the topic of the church and why we need each other, mentorship of future leaders, and discipleship focused on growing future leaders to be more like Christ. Start a mentorship program. Promote intergenerational small groups. Invite relationship. To conclude, I don't think this is necessarily simply about how UPC can "better engage young adults". In order to do that, I think it will take more of a change in culture. It will take effort from every person, including leaders, staff and lay-people, to reach out a hand and a heart across the pew to not simply greet one another in the name of Christ, but really begin to know the people we share the sanctuary with on a Sunday. It's not just about young adults. It's about engaging the 7-year-old, the 27-year-old, and the 77-year-old, together as one body of Christ in worship. This will involve a little give and take on all our parts, and grace for each other as we figure out how to do this well. I continue to be in thoughtful prayer for our congregation. I pray we glorify God as we wade through the muck and the mire of difficult changes. And I hope for the future. What are your ideas?

Follow-up: 5 misconceptions about "young adults"

I have been overwhelmed by the response to my previous blog post. I have been encouraged by the conversations that have already begun to flow from it. Because it seems like an important issue right now, I have decided to continue the conversation in this venue. Before I do, I want to remind readers that I don't speak for all young adults, I speak merely from my experiences at UPC and what I have observed through my own ministry here and through some of the relationships I have formed. There are a lot of stereotypes about the young adult age group that stand as a barrier to ministry and connection. To be fair, at times we have a hand in perpetuating them, but lets go ahead and lay some of them out on the table so that we can begin to move beyond them. 1. We only come to church to find a spouse. Young adults in the church are often equated with singles ministry. Convergence was not a singles ministry. While for many of us, marriage is a desire we have for our lives, it doesn't drive everything we do. Many of us come to church because we love God, and we are trying to become more like Christ. Further, we have value and can contribute to the congregation even in our single-hood. Getting married and having children does not give us our voice, Christ does. 2. We are transient and therefore not worth the extra time and energy. While it is true that this stage of life is often filled with changes and moves, it should not be a reason to disregard us as non-committal. It is precisely for this reason that we need a little extra TLC. Many of us are far away from our parents and families, trying to figure out what it means to be adults and functioning members of society, as well as trying to find and faithfully live into our call as Christians. This is hard. We need the input and encouragement from our elders who have walked these paths before us. 3. We don't invest in the church. While it may be said that we contribute less financially to the church, that is mostly due to our life stage (and sometimes due to lack of teaching about why we tithe). We make up for this in the way we serve in the church. Many of us are on staff, are small group leaders, teach Sunday School to the kids, or are youth sponsors. While we may not put up the $$ in the same way, we are certainly invested in the church. 4. We only care what the church can do for us. The scope and variety of forms of involvement on the part of young adults proves that we are not concerned only with our own needs. We care about families and children, we care about youth, we care about the older adults who have poured into this church for years. We just want others to value us in the same way, and for the ways we will be leading the church in the future. 5. We only care about contemporary rock music and fancy graphics and videos. I wont lie, music style and atmosphere can be cool and can draw people in. But many of us appreciate not only different styles of music, but also the tradition and liturgy that morning services offer. Participation in community, connection with the body of Christ, and equipping for being sent into the world are priorities of worship over and above music style. We have fallen into patterns as a congregation, and in order to move forward, some of these patterns need to be broken. Hopefully talking about some of these things will help us to do that. I want to continue this conversation with one final post about tangible ideas for loving young adults as a congregation. If you are interested, look for this post in the next day or so.

5 reasons it is hard to be a "young adult" at UPC right now: A letter to my church

Dear University Presbyterian Church, A little bit about me, so as to establish credibility here. I moved to Seattle in early 2008 at the age of 22 and began attending UPC sometime that summer. I connected through the young adult community of Convergence and became a member in 2010. In my time at UPC I have been involved in various ways including as an intern in the Outreach department, participating in and leading mission trips, as a youth sponsor for a year, and more. I have made this church my home, and through the arms of Convergence UPC has welcomed me as well. UPC has been changing a lot in the time that I have been involved, but in the last six months or so it feels as though it has ramped up. To be fair, this may be the case because much of the recent change that has happened more directly affects me than some of the other things that have changed. I acknowledge that. I want to recognize the season of change that we have been in for some time, and say that it has been difficult for a lot of people. Right now, it is particularly difficult for the young adults who call UPC their home. Here are 5 reasons why I think this is the case: 1. No more Convergence Convergence has been a lot of things to a lot of people over the years, but first and foremost it is a community. It is a place where a group of people connected through worship, fellowship, teaching and service. Convergence was not a singles ministry. It was a group of real people seeking God together. In April of this year, Convergence said goodbye. This venue for connection and growth is now gone. For many of us, this hurts and we are grieving. 2. No more Jon Epps Jon Epps is my pastor. He was the Director of Young Adult Mission and Ministry, and it is largely due to his vision and leadership that Convergence blossomed into the community it was. I also had the privilege of working more closely with Jon as an intern. While Jon is a great teacher and a good friend to many of us who were involved with Convergence, after he stepped down from his position in April, I have begun to realize how much more of an impact he had on this church as a whole. A UPC staff member recently pointed out to me that Jon was a bridge-builder, and I think that is the perfect way to articulate so much of what he accomplished while he was on staff at UPC. Jon tried to bridge generational gaps, ideological gaps, etc. within the church as a whole, but most of all he was our bridge to the wider church. He advocated for us and for our involvement. Many of us feel now as though our bridge has fallen out from under us. 3. No more 7pm A few years ago, UPC launched the 7pm service on Sunday evenings (I believe there have been different iterations of this over the years, but I never experienced them, so for this context I am referring to the one that has been in existence for approximately three years). Perhaps because of the hour, and perhaps because of the music style, this service became populated by many youth and young adults, and many older adults who caught the vision of the 7pm as well. It became a place for involvement for much of the youth and young adults: we got to participate in the service. Either through serving communion or greeting, it became a place for us to plug in. We saw pastors and people in leadership who we not only recognized, but who knew us as well. We were given the freedom to experiment musically, and even dive deeper into some more traditional elements of worship in a new and fresh way. But alas, the 7pm service has ended as well. 4. No more The Hills Beyond One other special element about the Convergence community is a band called The Hills Beyond. This group is not special because they play rock music or because many of the members are classically trained musicians. This group is special because they came out of Convergence. They started writing their own music based on what we were learning and experiencing as a worshipping community. I have never seen that before, and I can hardly express how beautiful it was to walk in one week and hear a song that was written out of the process of struggling through a passage of Scripture together. Partly because of Convergence being gone, The Hills Beyond is in flux, and we haven't been blessed by any new music from them. 5. We are not a demographic In the midst of all of these changes, we keep hearing about priorities. One of these happens to be engaging youth and young adults. I know the leadership has already heard this question, but the question that I have is really? Because it doesn't feel that way. I hear people talk about engaging "young adults" and speaking about the age group that I happen to fall into as if we are merely a demographic to be reached, and if we can somehow get younger looking faces in the pews we will be successful. I have heard leaders talk about this as well, but I don't feel engaged by leadership. I am tired of being a "young adult" that people want to "reach out" to. I am a person, seeking to know and glorify God, in community with other believers. I have chosen the community I want to be a part of, and committed wholeheartedly to it, but I don't feel like it is committed to me. We are not bodies to fill the pews. We are people, and we want to be known, cared for, invested in just like all the "adults" who show up on Sunday. It would be really easy for me to say that UPC is changing too much, so I'll go find another church. It would be really easy for me to say that leadership at UPC isn't doing a very good job. It would be really easy for me to say that UPC needs to focus solely on young adults. But this would be ridiculous, and this is most certainly not how I feel. Thankfully, I believe in a God who is bigger than Convergence or the 7pm service. I believe in a God who is blessing Jon Epps through his new opportunities, and will bless UPC likewise. I believe I am just as broken as the people who sit with me in church on Sunday, and I believe we can all move forward together. I am not the most important person in that sanctuary. Young adults are not the most important people in that sanctuary. Jesus is the most important person in that sanctuary, and my goal is to follow after him. We each have an individual responsibility to push into this change and make it work for our community. How am I helping? Even though my worship service has changed, I am trying to be active in figuring out what it will look like in the future. I am trying to find new ways to be involved, including exploring how my gifts and passions might be used in other ministries. I am trying to build relationships with other people on staff and in leadership now that many of my connections have moved on. Change is hard. That's okay. But with every change we have a choice. We can go kicking and screaming, or we can be part of the solution. It is all a matter of perspective. Here's to handling change well. With love, Carly