Snow Day or how to be unhappy and still have hope
For those of you who don't know (really, man...how could you not know? don't you have facebook?), Seattle got a bit of snow last week. I'll spare all the bitching and moaning about it and simply say that it was a rough week. I am lucky enough to have wonderful roommates to find entertainment with in games, walks to green lake and cooking meals. I'm also lucky to have some good friends who live pretty close who came over for some much needed socializing. On the other hand, all the peace and quiet this week has left me alone with my brain...which is never a good situation. I have struggled this week. These demons that I have been fighting with are not new. They have been here my whole life in some capacity or another, and have been present most recently for the past few months. Up until now, I haven't been able to kick them. These are issues of fear, insecurity, laziness, and a lack of love for myself. I know that no one can fix this for me. It is a matter of choice - of making a decision for myself. I have this encouragement tattooed on my arm because this has been my struggle for so long. I have to make the choice to move forward. But honestly, I don't have it in me yet. There is a disconnect somewhere. I am praying, in hope, that I will find it sooner rather than later.
vision
one of the biggest ways that i have grown this year is in my ability to vision. let me be clear here, i have always been a visionary. the thing about how i vision, though, is that i'm a dreamer. i dream big, i have big hopes, i like to imagine the greatest possibility. maybe this is more idealist than visionary. what i am learning this year is to vision realistically. to take these big dreams that i have and to figure out how they fit into everyday life. to evaluate where i have been, the mistakes i have made and to see what needs to be changed, flexed, tweaked so that i can move forward. i have had the opportunity to do this in my own personal life, as well as in making decisions that affect groups of people. never before have i been in such a position as to be accountable for the longterm effects of my dreams, and what works and what doesn't about them. in the past i have been a part of streamlining and making systems more efficient, particularly in the day-to-day operations of banking, but how do you do this when it comes to people, relationships, community? the rules are definitely not the same. i have been the person who has a big dream, leaps with all my might for the stars, and settles into something comfortable when that epically fails - for a little while, until my next big dream comes along. this year i have learned how to have a dream, make a plan, take a step, evaluate and keep moving. sometimes this involves pushing through something that is difficult in order to find out what works and what doesn't. sometimes i have resorted back to my pattern of retreat when things didn't go as planned. but still i get to dream. i'm learning not just to dream big, but to dream well.
winter quarter in review
it has been almost two months since my last post. some of you might be wondering where the hell i've been. let me tell you, so am i. i have had essentially five classes this quarter, all theology, and have thus dropped off the map for a bit. particularly the last two-three weeks i have been somewhat of a phantom. today, i am allowing myself a semi-sabbath. i have been powering through 30 pages worth of papers before finals next week, and I'm on my last one that's due monday. it's time for a mental health break. this semi-sabbath is also needed for another reason. there is a particular opportunity that has been presented to me that is a pretty big deal. i will refrain from sharing the details just yet, as there are still many to be worked out and i haven't actually committed to it. let's just say it would be a giant leap out of my comfort zone, and the opportunity to practice a lot of what i preach. in the next few days i will be doing a lot of praying and reflecting on this choice. to give you an idea of some of the things that have been on my mind this quarter, here is a summation of my activities and books read: - With Justice For All, John Perkins - Good News and Good Works, Ronald J. Sider - visiting with Chris Hoke and Tierra Nueva ministries in Burlington WA - a paper articulating my philosophy of ministry (which might end up posted on here) - books of the Bible read (not necessarily every verse, but large chunks): Genesis, Exodus, Deuteronomy, 1 and 2 Samuel, 1 and 2 Chronicles, 1 and 2 Kings, Joshua, Judges, Isaiah, Jeremiah, Ezekiel, Hosea, Amos, Psalms, Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, Romans, 1 and 2 Corinthians, Revelation. - The Prophetic Imagination, Walter Brueggemann - The Dangerous Act of Worship, Mark Labberton - visited a Buddhist meditation center - paper comparing and contrasting the theology of God in Christianity and Islam - exegesis of Isaiah 58, and corresponding paper about the relationship between worship and justice/ministry - celebrated the jewish feasts of passover, sukkoth, purim, hanukkah, sabbath, yom kippur, shavuoth, and rosh hashanah. as you can see, it has been a busy quarter. and that's just school. i'm looking forward to moving on from this quarter, going to haiti in about a month, and summer vacation.
observations
A month or two ago, I posted about this particular season of my life. In short, the months between November and February are notoriously spiritually and emotionally challenging. I like to act like I'm growing each year and I don't repeat the same patterns, but I do. To an extent I learn more each year, but by no means have I escaped these issues. In the week or so leading up to starting this second quarter of school I've had some apprehension, some second thoughts, and a desire to turn around and run for dear life. Then it hit me. In my adult life, I have never finished anything. Since the first semester of my junior year of college, when I dropped out of school, I have not seen any part of my life through to completion. I have not been at a set position at a job for more than 6 months. I quit my first internship 3 months in. I have moved 9 times in 5 years. Why? My life has been in a constant state of self-inflicted instability for the last 5 years, and I have learned to make that comfortable, even find freedom in it. This year, I'm growing in my awareness of the feelings that I have during this time. I'm beginning to recognize the emptiness and numbness that before would take hold of me so strongly that I existed as a mere shadow in the world. I can now start to put words on thoughts and feelings that for so long have remained elusive. This is progress. But where do I go from here? How do I begin to make changes that help me to step out of this place, and eventually get to the point where I don't come here anymore? How do I address whatever root is causing this...when I'm not even sure what that root is?
auld lang syne
call me a follower, or call me bored at the airport...either way, here are my reflections on the year 2010. quite possibly the most eventful, busiest, dynamic and quickest year of my life. instead of sharing my specific thoughts on certain events, i think i'll just highlight some things in a listing-of-facts sort of way. things that occurred in my life in 2010 - lost a dear friend unexpectedly - traveled out of the country (to haiti) twice - experienced a major natural disaster, and subsequent ordeal trying to get out of a foreign country - quit my job - moved twice - rafted a river in an 8-10 person boat with 3 people - went back to school - gained 4 new siblings - was in my first wedding as a maid of honor - had my first boyfriend, and break-up - saw ray lamontagne in concert - drove to nebraska and back - stood in two places at once - got a four-point-oh - tried - and fell in love with - pho - loved many happy new year. hopefully 2011 will have a few less twists and turns, but no less excitement and challenge.
introducing...
ladies and gentlemen, without further ado, i would like to finally introduce you to my family and our latest additions.<BR><BR>
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in march 2010, my parents invited four children into their home. as of december 7, 2010 they are officially (legally) a part of the delavan-turner family.
Angelica Marie Suzanne Turner - 11
Michael Jay Turner - 9
Marissa Anne Turner - 7
David Brian Turner, Jr (Junior for short) - 6
i am so proud to have them in my family. i am excited to be a big sister again (my younger brother tim is amazing, who wouldn't want to do it again?!). i am eagerly anticipating birthdays, christmases, graduations, weddings, nieces and nephews, and so much more.
despite the distance that is between us at this point in time, i have had the pleasure of getting to go home and meet these little creatures, gotten to know their personalities, and fallen in love. we are sincerely blessed.