sexuality and identity

year two can be summed up or categorized by three themes:
creativity
sexuality
formation

nearly every conversation i seem to be having is about one or more of these topics, and often, all three.

that said, i feel very strongly that i have some work to do. perhaps some healing, maybe some confession, certainly some articulating of my own story that helps me to find clarity. there is going to be a lot of uncertainty on this journey. i will probably say a lot of things that will be in process. i may not want to land on them for a long time, or incorporate them as axiomatic for my life, but they might be where i am at any given moment. i will also be raising and addressing what i think are valid, honest, and important questions. because of these things, and because if i am posting it might keep me accountable to actually do the work, i think that i will be posting this journey here - but with some limitations.

first, i wont be advertising on my facebook. this will most likely severely limit my audience. that's okay. this means that the people reading it will be people who want to hear it, not just people who stumble upon my post in their newsfeed.

second, i reserve the right to password protect any post i desire. usually it will be because it is intensely vulnerable for me to share, and i am unsure about it. if i decide to password protect a post, my hope is that it doesn't stay password protected for too long, just long enough to run it by trusted sources to affirm that it is worthwhile to the conversation.

ADDENDUM: third, my hope is to be able to experience some of this process creatively as well. that may mean that you see more poetry (Lord willing), perhaps artwork, etc. know that in sharing those things i am simply trying to articulate my own process, not necessarily contribute to a larger conversation.

so...here it goes.

top ten

dear me, in the midst of a shortened holiday break i have completely forgotten to reflect on the year that was 2013. so, here is a brief version in the form of a top ten list. in no particular order:

10. travel - no haiti for me this year, but thankful for a trip to philadelphia and a visit home over the summer.

9. graduate assistantship - mostly fun, slightly terrifying. great experience so far.

8. internship - hello biggest surprise of the year. life-giving and challenging. bringing fullness to a once barren place.

7. theralogian...or theopist - i continue to navigate the two worlds of theology and therapy. some days i feel more like a therapist, but every day i feel like a theologian.

6. children - i had a (perhaps unspoken) goal of somehow developing more relationships with children, given that i want to work specifically with kids and trauma when i finish this grad school thing, and also given that i just love kids. i think i have succeeded.

5. new car - i purchased a new car. his name is legolas.

4. art - i am an artist (still getting used to this name). i am still working on finding my words again, but i am cultivating a discipline of creativity, and i love it.

3. neighbors - yet another move this year, but such a good decision. my neighbors are the most fun and the most welcoming.

2. lord of the rings - this year i read the lord of the rings and the hobbit. life. changing. 

1. friends that are family - ok. this one is definitely number one. hands down. everyday you teach me, love me, laugh with me, cry with me, get pissed off at me, forgive me, and let me love you back. thank you. i am glad that we get to do life together, and i could never go back. 

love

love is a funny feeling, a heavy word, and a powerful action. lately i have been wondering if love ever gets old. is there a point at which you can have too much love? do you know how words and phrases, when they are used too much, lose their meaning and power? could that happen with love?

if someone held your face in their hands and looked you in the eyes and said "i love you" every day for the rest of your life, would you ever get tired of hearing it?

alternatively, if you never heard someone tell you they love you for the rest of your life, would you miss it?

has love become one of those words that we say to each other so often that we don't really hear them or feel the full impact of their meaning?

i am amazed every day that my capacity for love keeps growing. i feel so full of love that sometimes it hurts, like growing pains, as if there is some sort of container inside of me that gets stretched bigger and bigger with each encounter.

there has been enough loss of life and relationship along my journey for me to realize that speaking aloud to another person that they are loved, and allowing that to carry its full weight, is an opportunity that we don't have forever. people die, people move, friendships end and people change. in light of this, my hope is that others look back on whatever time they spent with me and know that for whatever period of time we had together, i loved them.

i use the word love frequently with my family and friends. and when i say it, i mean it. i hope that it never becomes a word that loses its meaning when people hear it from my mouth. i hope that when i say it, i convey the fullness of its meaning with the way that i live and treat others. i hope that the people who have filled me with so much love know how deeply their love has seeped into my soul, and that i don't take it for granted.

full.

breath

today i feel overwhelmed. in my head i know...i know this is temporary, i know i have the power and energy and time to get done what i need to get done, and yet i can't see the full picture right now. i know that there is growth and learning and paradigm-shifting on my horizon, but i also know how hard those transitions are.

i had two major realizations today. two very big, very important, process-instigating realizations. damn it.

i have been told i am an artist. i realized today that i have not internalized this label yet. i don't see myself as an artist, i have not used this word to describe myself to other people, and i am not sure i believe it just yet. i feel entirely incompetent, and that is a problem because part of the work that i am doing is inviting other people into their creativity...but i haven't come to terms with or defined my own. maybe that is okay right now, and in a sense it has to be okay.

i also discovered a root. there has been this nagging issue, this thing sitting in my mind, occupying thoughts and energy. i have been wondering why, wondering why this is the issue that i am focusing on, knowing that it is just an indicator of something bigger and deeper. i have been praying for some idea of what that is, how to begin to move into healing and health. i think i stumbled onto the root today, and i do mean stumbled. or maybe i knew the root the whole time and today i figured out which angle to use to start hacking away. either way.

and so here i am, in some ways at a beginning or at least a point of clarity, feeling deeply insecure and anxious about the personal work that i need to do, particularly because the rest of my life doesn't get to be put on hold. there is still a lot on my plate. why is this stuff coming up now? what am i supposed to do with it?!

rhythm and (of) grief

this theme doesn't go away.

this week, grief surprised me. my heart has been hurting, for several reasons. one is not my story to tell, but i am sitting in grief with and for the one whose story it is.

today marks a year since my grandma jo died. i have been thinking on and preparing for this day all week, and somehow it still managed to catch me off guard. i have known for some time that my life has a rhythm and a cycle, there are seasons that are somewhat predictable. i like to measure my life in dates and anniversaries, i like to remember, and to see how far i have come. but what i learned this week is that those anniversaries that i remember also carry emotions. as i pulled into the parking lot of school on tuesday night, i re-felt the emotions that i felt that night last year when i sat in the parking lot crying on the phone with my mom. i re-felt the pain of not being able to be there to see my grandma or to say goodbye. i re-felt the anxiety of waiting for that dreaded phone call bearing the news i didn't want to hear. i have never been so aware of the depth with which i relive the feelings in this rhythm of my life. i am still processing this.

i also made a hard decision this week. i think i am going to spend this christmas in seattle. this was hard because this will be the first christmas that i haven't been home, been able to spend that day with my family. it is particularly difficult because now there are brothers and sisters and nieces and nephews that i wont get to snuggle with, who wont wake me up when its time for stockings, who i wont get to chase around the house. it hurts to even imagine not being present, and i am grieving. and yet...this decision feels good, and right. there are things happening here that i am excited to be a part of. but it is still hard. to be clear, i think i will still get to go home at some point during my break from school, i just wont be in california for christmas.

sitting in it...again, still.

#friendsthatarefamily

i am surprised by where God has me right now. i would never have expected this a year ago. at that point, i was mourning the loss of a community, of a place that had become my home. and now, i am right in the middle of a rich, filling group of people who are impacting me deeply.

we are all at different points in our lives, doing different and exciting things - but sort of together, and what each of us brings to this fellowship is unique and meaningful.

these people inspire me.

where once i stood staring at the ruins of the temple, i now stand watching it be rebuilt in a new way.

also, this week i met some of our neighbors. we moved into this house to be closer to our #friendsthatarefamily and have ended up moving into another community. our neighbors are delightful, and they welcomed us with open arms. there is a sense of connectedness and relationship that existed from the moment we walked in the door. i haven't known my neighbors in a meaningful way since i was a kid surrounded by the other kids i went to school with. as we sat and enjoyed our dinner, wine, and conversation, it felt good. it felt like home.

this is where God has me right now. at home. everywhere i go right now feels like my home.

recovery

looking back on the last three weeks, i can't help but feel a little silly. i hit a low. but not low like depressed. i was not depressed. it was more a low point in terms of functioning. i gave in to anxiety, which is a beast i thought i had conquered (ask me about my tattoo).

it used to be the single most debilitating struggle of my life, keeping me from social functions, normal daily life responsibilities, and in a perpetual state of nausea. it dominated my life for more than four years. and then i quit anxiety, cold turkey. one day i decided it wasn't worth it - i decided to take a risk.

since then, i have been really good. on a scale of 1-10, my anxiety level is normally a 1-2, and peaks at a 3 when i have a paper or test at school. i manage my stress incredibly well. i am incredibly sensitive to a rise in my anxiety level, and usually am pretty good about adjusting to keep it low.

so something happened in the last three weeks that put me back up at an 8 or so. i found myself on the verge of tears at the drop of a hat and getting cranky with the people around me. the strangest thing was that nothing going on was particularly beyond my capability to handle. i have encountered much more stressful situations and been fine. i have been thinking about it for the last few days that things have gotten back to normal, and i think i just hit a perfect storm of schoolwork, new jobs, and pms that made for a disaster waiting to happen.

i am not sure what i could have done to avoid this. and maybe that's okay. maybe it doesn't have to be about something within my abilities. maybe it is just something that happened, and i can take a deep breath and keep walking.