on choosing to leave

i moved to seattle when i was 21. it was the tail end of february, and i spent at least a month without a job and only knowing one other person in the city. finding a church to engage in became one of my highest priorities. it wasn't until that summer in 2008 that i stumbled upon Convergence, the young adult ministry at University Presbyterian Church.

very quickly, i found people who wanted to know me and people i wanted to know. within two years, i joined a small group, went on mission trips, participated in leadership and became an intern. i had found my people, my place, my home.

during that time, i grew profoundly in my faith. i found the direction and the courage to own all of the person that i am and to return to school with a vision for my life. i experienced God in ways that shook me to my core and changed me forever.

in 2012, Convergence ended. my pastor left. the service i attended on sunday was cancelled. my community was gone.

still, i did not leave. as droves of my Convergence friends left for churches that had programs that engaged them more, i decided to press into a difficult space and stay with the church that i had invested so much in. there were a couple handfuls of people left from the community i had built, and we banded together.

between 2008 and 2014 i participated in Convergence, the 7pm service, deacon ministry, several mission trips, stephen ministry, high school ministry, children's ministry, and more. i know and am connected to people of all ages within this congregation. in many ways, i have grown to love all of the people i have encountered along this journey. while Convergence is what drew me in, it was all of these people, and particularly the families that i connected with this past year that have made UPC a home for me over the past 6 years.



with all of this said, and with a very heavy heart, i made the decision to leave this home. my last sunday at UPC was in september.



i want to speak a little bit about what this process has been like for me. when i left, i was fully prepared to begin to engage in another church context. however, within a week i realized that wasn't going to happen right away.

my heart is broken. it is broken for the faces that i no longer get to see. it is broken for the relationships that i am no longer a part of. it is broken for the dear friends that i have that are still stuck in a system that causes them pain and frustration.

my soul is healing. it is healing from the hurt of a community that chose not to listen to my voice. it is healing from the wounds of having to shut of my soul and convictions in order to enter the sanctuary. it is healing from a year of encountering God in every place but the sanctuary.

i am grieving the loss of part of my community and figuring out how to worship God in church again. this is a painful process. though i felt a clear sense from God that it was time to leave, i was not ready for all that leaving entailed.

i chose to leave. and i am dealing with the consequences of that choice, both positive and negative.

so long sweet summer

welp, summer is over. it sure was a good one. i wish there was more. let me just give you a rundown of the major events:

#campcarly - i spent a good chunk of the summer with three little ones that i love. we did a lot of geocaching, a lot of swimming, some spying, some tye-dying, and had a TON of fun. i loved every moment of it. 

CFM summer interns - i spent another good chunk of the summer working with a group of 11 college students who were interning at my church. i got to think about things like faith and professional formation, group dynamics, and discipleship. it was awesome.

weddings - one for friends from church and one for a friend from seminary. both are two communities that i am so thankful to be a part of.

reading - i read for pleasure!! some highlights include The Road by Cormac McCarthy and Leaving Church by Barbara Brown Taylor.

goodbye UPC - oh, also i left my church. this deserves a post of its own, so i wont give any more details here, i will save it for when i can expound on the experience.

to be clear, i am not ready to jump back into school. but, i have started my MFT internship at Valley Cities Counseling, and have started classes. I am equal parts apprehensive and excited about this next stage of life. here are some other things i am excited about right now:

Coastland Commons - this is a project that brings the innermost core of my being to life. i am so excited to be a part of it.

this website!! - is also new, though the content of the blog is not.

Art with Heart - i have another project in the pipeline with this wonderful local organization where i get to think about therapeutic resources for kids, creativity, and faith formation. also all of the things that give life to my soul.

this is all i have for now. i felt like it had been too long without a post.

gentle hands are shaping

i wish that i had words that fully communicated what is happening in my soul. it is a confluence of factors, creating a perfect storm that i hope is leading to growth and depth. but right now i am just tired.

i am exhausted, because soul work is draining in the midst of normal, everyday life and work.

i am tired of saying goodbye. the danger of falling in love with people is that sometimes they leave and that hurts. there have been too many goodbyes already this summer.

it feels like God is doing some very big and deep work in my life right now. i am glad for that. and i am learning that i am not crazy. at some point, i hope to learn what existence in this world looks like with these changes taking root in me, because at the moment i wonder if it is even possible.

better late than never

every year, i list out the books i hope to read over the summer. every year, i fail miserably at checking them off. no doubt this year will be the same...so here is my list!

Redeeming Mulatto - Brian Bantum
The Lord of the Rings (all) - JRR Tolkein
Leaving Church: A Memoir of Faith - Barbara Brown Taylor
The Naked Now: Learning to See as Mystics See - Richard Rohr
Sexuality and the Christian Body: Their Way into the Triune God - Eugene Rogers
Trauma Stewardship: An Everyday Guide to Caring for Self While Caring for Others - Laura Van Dernoot Lipsky
Surprised by Scripture: Engaging Contemporary Issues - NT Wright
The Anatomy of Story - John Truby
The Storytelling Animal: How Stories Make Us Human - Jonathan Gottschall
The Road - Cormac McCarthy

completed. in process.

holding and losing

i am writing this post right now because i am trying desperately to finish finals, and i can't seem to concentrate. i am hoping if i can get some of this out, i will find enough focus to make a dent. i can't say any more than has already been said about the wonderful community of people connected to SPU, so that is not what this will be. this is my own process, it will not be eloquent.

june 5 with be a day that i mark from now on. it will be remembered as the day there was a shooting at my school. i have experienced a whirlwind of emotions and thoughts. i was not on campus, and a part of me hurts whenever i tell someone that because it seems to be received with great relief, like somehow that makes it okay.

i spent the weekend hanging out with some of my favorite seattle kids, which was great fun, but meant that i had no space to think and to process this event until sunday morning.

i made the choice to worship outside of my church home on sunday, because i wanted to be with a group of people that wouldn't be afraid to speak the truth of the event and to make space for the pain that we were in.

so here is the truth: i am wrecked, i am a mess. the world seems to have moved on, to not notice the SPU sweatshirt i have been wearing every day. i can't hold a thought in my brain. i can't focus on anything. i feel sick to my stomach. there is too much freedom in my schedule this week, there is nothing that i have to hold it together for. so i am not holding it together. i am not really holding it together.

i am tired, i am cranky. i can't remember what it is i need to get done this week. i am not myself. what is more, i don't even feel like i have the space for this to be okay because i have finals and summer classes and a new job starting next week. i can't really afford to lose it right now.

so to sum: i am not holding it together, but i can't really let myself lose it. follow that enigma.

we're all in this together

this week has served as a profound reminder for me. entering into celebration with friends embarking on a new adventure together, and sitting in pain with friends faced with unexpected grief. it is no surprise to me that joy and grief are so closely experienced. however, i have been processing this with a new perspective recently. i have learned more about myself, and begun to understand why i am so sensitive to these two emotions in particular.

but moreover, as we enter Holy Week, i am reminded that these two emotions, joy and grief, are at the heart of our faith.

during this week we walk with Jesus through his Passion. we are faced with the reality of our own brokenness as we betray him with Judas, deny him with Peter, and call for his crucifixion with the masses.

then his body moves to the cross, and we realize our mistake. that the one we have crucified is the One who has so profoundly identified with us, performed our existence in such a way as to invite us to fullness and freedom.

and we must sit here. for a time. this is Good Friday. grief. pain. we must must sit in this space for anything that takes place next to have any significance.

so we sit in a place of grief. we wonder how to move on. we wonder how there could possibly be any hope left. we wonder how God could have forsaken us. this is okay. this is part of the rhythm.

because then, in the midst of our grief, we go to the tomb...only to find the stone rolled away and the funeral clothes unwrapped and empty. we turn back, confused, and there he is. he is alive, he calls us by name, and he tells us there is more. there is hope. there is joy.

it strikes me that this is the essence of the human experience. the invitation of Holy Week is to experience the fullness of what it means to be human, with the One who shows us exactly what that means. we walk the road together, you and me, bound up and together in the life of Jesus.

grief. joy. these are the reality of humanness. they are true of every experience and iteration of what it means to be human. grief and joy are what bind us to each other and what bind us to Christ. because in this one man, the particular and the universal are made one. our differences are at once honored and done away with.

because we are all in this together.

eight years in recovery

trigger warning

last month i missed a pretty important anniversary (...i don't want to talk about it). but because that is so unlike me, and because it is affecting me deeply that i forgot to remember something that has impacted me so significantly, i decided to celebrate a normally private anniversary in a public way.

this week is eight years that i have been self-injury free. i say "this week" because i don't remember the exact day, just that it was the beginning of february. but i do remember the exact scar that made me stop.

and i am sharing this anniversary with hope; mostly for growth. because i have realized this school year that i am not as comfortable with this element of my past as i thought i was. i still cringe when people joke and speak nonchalantly about cutting or jump to the defensive when curious people happen across my scars.

and i have noticed how frequently the thought still pops into my head. it never really went away, i have just learned better ways to respond.

self-injury is an addiction, it is a coping mechanism in the same way that drugs and alcohol are. it is a strategy to manage pain. for several years of my life, cutting was what helped me to feel present in my body, and gave physical manifestation to what was happening inside of me that i had no words for and no other way to express.

it is not a joke.

it is part of the reason i am on my way to becoming a therapist. i am here today because i had a therapist who wasn't satisfied with letting me stick with my unhealthy coping mechanisms. i had people who saw the scariest, darkest parts of my soul and loved me anyway. and i literally have the scars to remind me where i have been and how far i have come.

eight years, here's to the rest of my life.